Sunday, June 30, 2013

Monkey Business

Is anyone as concerned as I am over Justin's little monkey??  It had to be quarantined in Germany for a long time....and he misses his Justin.  So what do they do?  Every day they show him a picture of his good buddy.  Isn't that nice?  I'm sure it brings real comfort to the poor little animal.  I keep thinking about those monkeys who cuddled up to the fake mothers in Psychology 101.  I can just see the poor thing cuddling up to well, a photograph.  To my knowledge, photos can't cuddle.
I'm pretty concerned about that Justin kid too.  Why did he have to go and get a monkey?  Wasn't that the beginning of Michael Jackson's decline?  Where was Justin's mother?  Maybe Selena Gomez needs to rethink her position and go back to him.  Or maybe she just dodged an incredibly large bullet.  Time will tell.
But back to the monkey.  If you own a monkey, make sure it has all its immunizations if you are going to travel the world.  After all, not all of us have life sized posters of ourselves for the zoos of the world to use!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Paula, Paula,Paula

OH, I don't think Paula Deen is mean or even a bigot but ohmygosh, I do think she is dumb as a post.
She's been fired multiple times now and even her book publisher is high tailing it to the hills.  I do feel a little sorry for her except for the fact that she's a millionaire.  But I digress.
You may think I am being judgy but truly I'm not.  She just keeps saying the dumbest things.  She finally faced up to stone faced Matt Lauer and she cried and read her script very sincerely.  I was right there with her until she said" I is what I is and I'm not going to change."  Really, I is what I is????????????? Give me a break--is her last name Clampett?  Speak properly when you are being sincere.
She also claims she never intentionally hurt anyone in her life.  Well, I'd sure like to have a talk with the wife of the man she had a ten year affair with.  Probably, that woman got hurt.  And after the first nine years or so, Paula probably figured out the guy had a wife.
I hate this whole thing.  She is grasping at straws and being advised by some PR company and the whole thing stinks like last week's dinner.
I know she said it.  She said so in court. So why not just own up to it and say I came clean and I'm being as honest as I can be and be done with it.
I always enjoyed her show and I'm sorry if she doesn't get it back but Paula, we are all not as dumb as you.

Friday, June 28, 2013


OMG!  I am having the worst time trying to buy clothes these days.  It is not like when you are young and can just wear anything.  You can take back twenty things to the dressing room and maybe, just maybe, one will fit.
Sometimes I  enjoy the hunt and sometimes, not so much.
Everything seems to be styled for young women or teens.  Hardly any designers think of women who are over sixty.  Trust me.  Oh, there's Chico's and Coldwater Creek but they are expensive when you are used to prices at Penneys and Kohls.
There's one guy who thinks about old ladies all the time and that's Alfred Dunner.  The above photo is from his spring collection. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My mother wore those kinds of things.  In fact, she loved Alfred Dunner.  I do not, I repeat, do not want to dress like my mother.  Here's another doozy:
What is this, the eighties??  Or the seventies?  Who wears this stuff?  I'll tell  you who--women who are over 85.  I have over twenty years until I'm that age and trust me I won't want to wear this stuff then.
Could someone out there design some clothes that are modern, cover you up a bit, that don't cost an arm and a leg so maybe Penneys or Kohls would carry your line.  Please.
There are a ton of us who would be forever grateful.
I have a group of friends who have agreed that we will meet up in twenty years and whoever is wearing an Alfred Dunner top has to pay for everyone's lunch!!  Trust me, it won't be me!

Thursday, June 27, 2013


They say laughter is the best medicine and I'm here to tell you that is not always true.
If you are an inappropriate laughter like I am it can be embarrassing at least and mortifying at worst.
Just the other day a friend of my son said he laughed at a man in a wheelchair in public because it seemed he knocked something down.  His wife chastised him and he felt "evil".  Well, he isn't.  He's actually a great guy.  But I know what he means and so I am sharing this story partly for him and partly for myself.
I was asked to go to a wedding that one of my students was in.  It was in a tiny chapel and the bride's dad and another woman sang a country song with a karaoke machine playing.
I cracked up(silently, at least) and then I couldn't stop.  Normally, I would have just got up and got out but it was a tiny little chapel and there was no place to go.  Everyone would have seen  me and I'm pretty sure the bride and groom and minister couldn't hear me.
Too many people did though and I made a hurried exit when it was done and when Monday came I made an awkward comment about how nice a wedding it was and was met with stone silence.   Those folks never spoke to me again so I couldn't even apologize.  It is one of the most shameful time of my lives.  So, I'm sorry--really sorry.
Wow! That feels a lot better.
Anyway, inappropriate laughing is not an uncommon occurrence.  Remember the old Mary Tyler Moore show and Chuckles, the clown's funeral?  She couldn't stop laughing either.
I have a long history of it too.  John Wayne made a movie called The Cowboys back in the day and the bad guy was a young Bruce Dern.

He was so bad that the Cowboys in the movie(who were all young kids by the way) tied him to his horse and he got dragged around in crazy circles until he was...well, dead.  I got hysterical laughing.  I am starting to laugh just typing this.  I just thought it was the funniest thing I ever saw.
Sometimes inappropriate laughing can be shared though.  Then it is the best medicine.  Case in point, my sis and I were driving and she told me a story that had us both howling.  She could barely drive.  I laughed until the tears streamed down my face.  It was totally inappropriate to laugh about and we just kept adding on to it and laughing harder. 
So the next time you hear someone laugh inappropriately, don't judge them.  Sometimes we just can't help ourselves !

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Brain? What is Brain?

There is a rich  guy in Russia who is gathering together geniuses to work on life in 2046,  I mean what it will be like.  The advances and technology improvements.  Really, he just wants to live forever.
He thinks that his brain could be transferred to a computer and his essence would live on infinitely.
You know what I say to that?   BORING.
I can't imagine that anyone would want to be turned into a computer.  I just have visions of my great great grandchildren hauling me around on their iPhone...or what ever device they have then.  It will be the opposite of having to drag your little sibling everywhere you went.  Oh don't forget to download Granny.  She wants to go too.
Plus How would you learn anything new?  I know computers are supposed to be able to learn but so far my PC has only learned how to screw up when I least want it to.
My son told me that they will put the brain in a human like robot so you are mobile.  Why did I only think of poor Rosie the maid on the Jetsons when he said that?
There is something to be said for our fragile existence.  We are all fatally flawed, imperfect, wonderful humans.  We're all in the same boat.  Nobody is perfect and if they pretend to be...well, it's the fatal flaw thing.
So thanks, Mr. Rich Russian, I think I'll take a pass. 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Last Laugh

Oh, Paula,Paula,Paula.  You only made little jokes about black people.  You didn't mean any harm. Oh, you are so sorry and beg for our forgiveness.
You know, Paula, you're about my age.  What on earth is wrong with you?  So you grew up in the South where people make those kinds of jokes all the time but you're not a bigot.
I grew up in the North and believe me, I had a grandmother who refused to go down the same aisle in a store as black people but we didn't make those kinds of jokes all the time.
You haven't learned the fine art of filtering what you say.  You even told a lawyer in a court of law that you used the N word of course.  Have you never watched television?  Any one knows that in a court of law you say I might have, but I don't recall.
Did you think because you are the beloved Paula Deen that nobody would call you out on it?  Well, honey, you blew it.  People like a filter...especially on a gray haired lady whose reputation is one of  cooking with butter.
So you got fired. At least twice that I know of right now.  You may be fired again.
Quit trying to teach us what it was or is like in the South.  I suggest you spend your time learning new jokes.  Thanks to my friend, Misty, I have the first one for you.
Where do you find a one legged horse?      Wherever you left it.
Now, that's funny.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Taking Risks

You probably know who that guy is in the picture.  In case you've had your head in the sand, it's Nick Wallenda.  He crossed the Grand Canyon without a tether last night.
He was in the air for over 22 minutes.  He thanked Jesus about a million times as well he should have!  Oh, yes, and God too. Not as much as Jesus though.  He must have a strong faith indeed to do such a thing or is he just a crazy risk taker?
Well, he may have a strong faith but I think he is still a crazy risk taker.  We all talk about things that divide us.  Like men and women.  Blacks and Whites.  Republicans and Democrats.  Liberal and Conservative.  I could go on and on but you get the picture.  I think our biggest division is Risk Takers versus NonRisk takers. 
I am definitely in the non category.  I'll take the firm ground thanks very much.  No cruises or walking tightropes for me.  I get sick on the water and I can't even sit and watch the Grand Canyon crossing for more than two minutes at a time and I have to leave the room to get a deep breath.
Some may call us chickens.  Those are the risk takers.  You have to respect them because they are the dare devils, the first responders, the protectors.  We need risk takers in our world.
We need the non risk takers too.  They are the teachers and the patient waiters of the world.  They find contentment.
It probably sounds like a boring life to a risk taker and all I can say to that is, "Bawk, bawk."(that's supposed to be a chicken sound)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

The Flasher

OK, comic book aficionados, this blog is not about THE Flash.  I just was afraid to type in"pictures of flashers"in my search engine!!  Please continue reading though if you like.
Hello, everyone.  I am here to confess that my DH is a flasher.  No, not the kind whose picture I was afraid I would get, he is a headlight flasher.  It's true.
If we are on the free way and someone in front of him is going too slow in the fast lane, he flashes them.  They are supposed to get their cans back in the slow lane.
There is one little problem.  No one under the age of fifty knows what in the heck flashing headlights mean!
I mean, these kids pass on the right.  A real no-no in our day but it's common practice on the freeway now.  I have even been known to do it myself (just once).
The funniest part of light flashing to me is that DH always has a fit that they don't know the "rule."  Well, no kidding, if they didn't budge I'd say that's a safe bet.  They don't understand your message. So just chill-ax.
It used to be that a truck driver would flash you when it was safe to get over in your lane after passing him.  Not anymore.  As a matter of fact, I'm thinking the Fed Ex drivers are trained in cutting you off at the last minute so you have to slam on your brakes.
Maybe light flashing will come into style again some day....oh, who am I kidding, no, it won't.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Summer Solstice, Super Moon

DH and I hardly ever go on a date, just the two of us.  Last night was an exception because it was the summer solstice and DH thought we should celebrate it.  So we did.
We went to one of our favorite wineries which has a ton of outdoor seating, entertainment and is right on the lake so it also has fantastic sunsets.  Which is why we went there.
We had a gift certificate too.  That was a real bonus because the entire evening including wine and dinner cost us ten bucks for a tip.  That's my kind of evening--almost free.
Well, we got to talking and enjoying the music and eating and guess what?  We totally missed the sunset, the reason we were even there!!!!!!!  Felt pretty good to know we still find each other that interesting after all these years!  We had to laugh that we missed it and we packed it up and headed to another favorite place, Geneva Lodge.
Had a glass there and enjoyed some music, took a walk and finally headed home.  We got home at midnight!!  Honestly, I never see midnight any more!  DH is more of a night owl so he still does but not me.
Today is supposed to be the super moon.  We are going on another date--during the day!!!  Now what is wrong with that picture?

Friday, June 21, 2013

No Comment

I have a small but loyal following on this blog.  Ok, it's really small but I don't care because I am not writing this for anyone but myself.  Someday my kids may read it and have a couple of laughs and share it with their kids or grandkids.  I think of it as a diary of sorts.
I am glad some others read it though.  It makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time.  Actually, to be honest, I love my readers.
They do have one flaw, however.  They never make any comments....well, hardly ever.  Most of the time when I think I've written something that others would disagree with, I think to myself NOW someone will comment.  But they never do.
I like to think that means they all agree with me one hundred percent....and I'm always right.
In that case, I think the President, world leaders and Congress should read my blog.  Perhaps I'll start writing  about world events and how to solve the problems our country is facing.  They will all agree with me and all will be well.
Why I didn't think of that before is beyond me.   I do have lots of ideas about how to solve our problems.  Like why aren't we shipping water from the overflowing places to the drought areas,hmmm?  Why are we making little kids try to learn stuff they aren't developmentally ready for???????  Is someone figuring out what to do about global warning or are we just talking about it?  Surely there is someone out there who could figure it out. 
These are just a few of the questions I have great answers for...oh, except that last one.  I don't know if anyone is working on global warming.  But someone should be and that's my first great idea.
So, tiny following, keep your opinions to yourselves.  I rather like being right all the time!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Kia Girls

Today, I'd like to discuss driving.  I went to Curves this morning.  The road I take for most of the trip has a limit of 25 mph.  Nobody goes that speed. I try to hover around 30 most of the time. 
This morning a car zoomed past me going about 40 and apparently the driver was too busy doing something else and didn't notice THE RED LIGHT!  It is at the driveway of a shopping center and of course, someone was coming out.  OMG, I thought, Here we go.
The speeding car slammed on its  brakes and the shopper made her turn unscathed.  If that had been me--accident, for sure. (of course, I would be the shopper)
That got my heart pumping.
When I got to Curves, my WP was already there.  She and I both drive Kia Souls.  When we walked in, a lady we hadn't seen in quite a while said, Oh, it's the Kia girls.  We proceeded to have a little chat and she left.
Now, WP and I have worked out with this woman for three years--as a matter of fact, we have worked out with a lot of the same women for three years and THEY STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT OUR NAMES ARE!
We know theirs but in our pridefulness, we never call them by name either...except a couple.  Like Carol and Diane.  They don't know our names either but they are  very chatty with us.
Don't you think they'd have learned our names by now?  They know we are both teachers, they know both our husbands work at Cleveland Clinic.  They know we both bought our cars on the same day from the same guy.  How hard would it be to learn our names???
Oh, well, at least they don't call us "The twins" any more.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Voicing My Opinion

OK, I watch The Voice...sometimes.  More this year than ever before, I don't know why.  Well, yes I do, I have a teeny tiny crush on Usher.  Even if he wore a camouflage suit with bermuda shorts.  He just strikes me as a nice kid.
Isn't he a great dancer?  Didn't he teach Justin Bieber the moves?  Well, he sure can't chair dance!  He looked so awkward, I felt sorry for the poor kid.
Last night's finale went just the way I predicted.  The young blonde girl won.  They even dressed her up for the occasion in a long golden gown.  Give away much?  DH  thinks I am just a skeptic but trust me, they knew she was the winner.  The dress just gave it away.
I have nothing against her, mind you.  I just think pretty country singers win these competitions too many times.
Anyway, the announcement of the winner was the least of the show for me.  Here is what I enjoyed the most.
OMG, Pit Bull.  What is up with him and how did he get so popular?  He worked with Jennifer Lopez and now Christina!  I think he is goofy looking and I don't want him to do a crotch thrust at me or anyone else.  How did that get to be a thing?  Even Beyonce did it in a soda commercial.  Not my favorite thing to see.
Then there was Nellie.  My mother's name was Nellie.  I wonder what she would think of her namesake?  She used to tell us that the kids in her neighborhood called her Nellie with the big fat belly.  I don't know why it bothered her so much, she was skinny as a toothpick.  The Nellie on the view had big fat pockets!  Now what on earth did he have in those cargo pockets??  Weights to keep him form floating away?  A sandwich?
Then there was my favorite of the night.  Cher.  Oh, yes indeed, Cher made an appearance.  Someone needs to break the news to her that she is sixty seven years old.  Women of a certain age should not wear the following:  leathers, mesh tops, studs, and all of the above all together.   I don't care if you are skinny.  You are a grown woman.
Also what was up with the hair?  It looked like chicken feathers piled on your head.  You could sing a modern song and even dress in a modern way without looking like you are trying to be a teenager.  I'm just sayin'.
I don't think I can describe how sorry I felt for her.  It looked like she was clutching at straws....or her youth.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Boob Wars

Oh, I just heard that Melissa Etheridge dissed Angelina Jolie for having that double mastectomy.  She thinks it was not brave.
Melissa has had breast cancer and underwent treatment and apparently has the same gene as Angelina.
Well, in my humble opinion, she should have kept her big mouth shut.  She sounds very Judgy McJudgerson to me.  I think we should all have a choice...whatever it may be.
To say someone is not brave is unkind at best.  A double mastectomy is no laughing matter.  Plus Angelina is a Hollywood beauty.  Her beauty helps her earn a living.  Whether we like it or not, boobs play a part in that.  So to choose to lose them is a brave choice.
Melissa went through treatment and that's brave too.  Chemo is no fun.  It beats up your body and makes you ill.  It takes a long time to bounce back from a round of chemo. 
But why say that?  Why not say, that wouldn't be my choice but she has a right to protect her own body however she sees fit?
I am just a little old retired teacher but I say let's respect all women and their choices, no matter who they may be.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Two Face

We recently met a whole bunch of new people.  They all were very nice to us and welcomed us into their group-- sort of.  I mean, we were temporary and they all lived there.  So nobody wanted to be our best friend but they were all friendly enough.
One man brought out food every night.  Fun, snacky stuff.  One lady brought drinks....every night..and day. Her, I liked.
My problem started when one of the women left for her condo.  The whole group started talking about her and how she was only there because her parents left her the condo and she is selfish and nobody else in the family gets to use it.  Not five minutes before, they were making plans to go out to dinner with this woman the next night.
I say if you don't like someone then don't fake like you do.  You can be polite and make conversation but don't act like they are your best friend and as soon as they leave the room start ragging on them.  It just isn't right.
I can hardly imagine what they all had to say about us after we were gone!!!  I know one thing for sure, it wasn't good.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Super Dad

Here is our super hero.  He is a wonderful dad.  He is a great spouse.  He is DH.
My kids adore him.
The secret to his success?  He is totally engaged.  His kids are all important too him.
He even played the chief of the Indians in the Thanksgiving plays our kids used to put on.  His best line ever was "pass the turkey."
He was always up for a game of Star Wars.  He shared his favorite Star Trek shows with the kids.  He introduced us all to Dr. Who.
Our kids are adults now and he is still the best dad they could have.  He still is up for anything Star Wars or Star Trek and we watch Dr. Who's Christmas special as a family.
My own dad was an amazing man.  I think he'd be really proud of the dad my DH is.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Flamed Out with CoverGirl

Flag Day Wedding

Flag Day Wedding
Yesterday was Flag day and also my parents' wedding anniversary.  I look at the pictures of their wedding and it looks like any other wedding on any other day back in the forties.  Just imagine what a wedding would be like today.  I styled the bride, the maid of honor and the bridesmaids as you can see. 
I can picture all the tables too.  There would be lots of red and blue candles and a centerpiece which would include toiletpaper and paper towel tubes painted in bold red and silver and blue stripes with wicks to look like firecrackers.  The gift for each guest would be an American flag cookie.
Themed weddings are the big thing now.  If my mom had only known she could have started a trend. As it was, I think they only picked flag day because it fell on a Saturday that year.
I've been watching too much Four Weddings on TLC!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Postcards of a Vacation

We went to Myrtle Beach last week and just got home last night.  It was a really fun trip.
Here are some things that happened to me.
On the second day, I lost all our cash, around 175 dollars.
On the third day, I got stung by 2 wasps at the same time.
On the fifth day, I found all our cash.  It was in my secret hiding place, better known as my wallet.
The good news about the wasp stings is I wasn't allergic.  Boy, those sure hurt like the dickens.  I only got stung because under the table I was sitting at, the wasps had built a nest and I had the misfortune of sitting right under it.  They were just protecting their home.  We would have never known except a little five year old boy saw it under the table later on.
I also found my money when we were visiting a winery.  It was the best winery ever and I was feeling awesome.  I even had on an awesome shirt!  I was so happy about that money I could have danced all over the winery.  I did contain myself but when we left, the owner marked my box of wine "Team Awesome."  Now isn't that awesome??
On the last day, I didn't want to go....sort of.  We really relaxed and did just what we wanted and there was no schedule.  I think I need my schedule.  I even think I like having a schedule.
Vacation is important.  You have to go and relax totally at some time or other.  Even if you can't leave home, you should take a vacation which I understand is now called a staycation.
Here is what to do:
Sleep as long as you want.
Take a walk every day.
Eat whatever you want.
Have a happy hour.
Go out to dinner or order in.  No cooking allowed.
Go to bed whenever you want.
Repeat for at least five days.
Oh, yes, one more thing---Be awesome!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


After writing so many inane blog entries I am taking a break.  I'll be back on July 14th!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Look, Ma, No Hands

SO Burger King has come up with quite a concept.  They are presenting the first hands free burger--so you can multitask.  Just think I could be typing this and chowing down on a burger.
What I can't figure out is what happens when the burger is eaten down to the container?  Do you throw the rest away?  Do you turn the burger a different way and keep eating?  Sooner or later you are going to have to hold it if you ask me.
It got me thinking about other hands free devices.
If you go to a wine tasting event you might see this handy little gadget.  The hands free wine glass holder.  Now I don't know a bout you but when I walk, well, I kinda bounce.  If you are a man, you might not have that problem but you might.  Even if you don't have that problem everyone moves around when they walk.  With my luck I'd be wearing the wine, not just the wine glass.
Now here is the ultimate of hands free devices.  A cell phone that you put in your ear lobe.  Why didn't I think of that?  I always wondered what those big wholes in the younger generation's ears were for and now I know!

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Good, the Bad and the Rich and Famous

The man with no name.  Actually, the man with no lines.  Well, hardly any. 
Our first exposure to Clint Eastwood was when he made what they call spaghetti westerns.  That just means a western movie made in Italy.
They featured lots of shooting, lots of bad guys, some strange camera angles and one good guy who would clean up the whole mess, whatever it was.
Clint got to be Dirty Harry after that.  Those movies featured lots of shooting, lots of bad guys, better camera work and one good guy who would clean up the whole mess, whatever it was.  Dirty Harry also got to say, "Go ahead, punk, Make my day."  One of my favorite lines of all time.
Then Clint did a bunch of real dumb movies where he starred with his current girlfriend at the time.  They were so dumb that in one I think he socked an orangutan.  Or maybe the orangutan slugged him.  I don't remember and frankly, don't really care.  Either way, you get the idea.  DUMB!
Then, Clint started doing movies that were really good.  He was really good in them.  He still had the same scowl and he was the good guy but the guy could act.
Then, Clint became a director and man, was he good at it.  So good he got an Academy Award for directing.  Actors loved working with him.  He even smiled and once I saw him chuckle.
Clint turned 83 this week. I could hardly believe he was that old. I still see him as the guy at the top of this page.  Clint still has the scowl and he doesn't say much but he smiles a lot more. 
A guy who started out as an Italian cowboy turned into one of Hollywood's most famous and admired men.  Way to go, Mr. Eastwood and happy happy birthday.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Camp Out

This would be my DH's idea of heaven.  Camping in the great outdoors in our own little camper.
This is my idea of camping.  They have room service.
DH would love it if I would cook for us on the open fire.  He likes camp food,even canned potatoes.
This is my idea of an open fire meal.  Stone oven baked pizza with plenty of wine to wash it down!  Hey, there's a fire in those ovens.
This is how DH imagines us, all cuddled up in our one man tent and sharing a pillow by the light of an old lantern.
I imagine us like this.  Notice the suitcases and he is in a suit and I am in a dress.  The suitcases mean we'll be staying awhile and the clothes tell me we're going out to dinner(hopefully for that gourmet pizza and wine).
The bottom line is some of us our campers and some of us order room service. Although I've yet to meet anyone who would turn down room service!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

I've Got a Hunch

I've been icing my shoulder three times a day.  It really helps my injury.  I just can't look in the mirror.
Why, you ask?
Well, I am the Hunch Shoulder of Kittery Lane.  Just imagine Quasimoto's hunch moved from his back to his right shoulder.  That's me.

Or imagine a linebacker without one of his shoulder pads.  Get the picture?

Or imagine Joan Crawford with only one shoulder pad.
That would  be me.  It's enough to make you laugh until you cry.  Last night DH and I got hysterical over it.  I tried to act insulted but then got a glimpse of myself in the mirror and off I went in gales of laughter.
It's good to laugh at yourself.  You shouldn't take yourself so seriously all the time.  Everyone has troubles and ills and things they don't like about themselves.  The smart ones take it all in stride.