Thursday, March 28, 2013

What If? Day 16

Don't we all have things we wonder what if?  What if I didn't go to that college? Or take that job?  Or married someone else?  Or didn't have kids?  Or had a ton of kids?  Or never had to diet?  Or never hurt anyone's feelings?  Or Kennedy didn't get shot?  Or we never went to the moon?
Of course, we all do.
There isn't one thing I wonder what if about. I know I would get obsessive about it(Scorpio, remember?) and that's not healthy.  So I try not to do it. I just wonder a little about a lot of things.
I wonder if I did a good enough job as a parent.  I think I did OK.  DH and I sure tried.  Our kids are successful and kind and independent.  A good result if nothing else.  But what if I hadn't been a working mother?  Would their lives have been better?
I wonder if my mother, when she was suffering the last stages of Alzheimer's was she still in there?  The PTA president and church group leader?  Or was she really already gone?
I wonder what it would have been like if my Dad had lived to meet our husbands and kids.  I don't have to wonder if he would love the kids, he would no matter what. I don't have to wonder if he would like the husbands because he liked everyone.  I never heard him say a word against anyone.
I wonder if I should have kept up my art.  I wonder if I retired too soon.  I wonder if any of my students remember me.  I wonder if any of my old friends who I don't see think of me.  I wonder if we should have moved.  I wonder if we should remodel.  I wonder if we should move.  I wonder if I should go on another diet.  I wonder what it will be like to be an old woman....
See, not obsessive at all!

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